We’ve all had at least one obnoxious coworker we could not stand to see in the office every day. Although I’ve succeeded in running, I’ve failed to hide. It seems no matter where I go, another one awaits just around the corner. The employee everyone hates; who, or I suppose I should ask, what is this employee? For each of us, it varies. I’ve encountered many versions of this employee; the one everyone rolls their eyes at once his or her back is turned. In this post, we’ll discuss the vilest ten. Without further ado…
The Kiss-Ass
The 9 to 5 is already enough of a rat race without a brown-noser trying his or her hardest to stand above everyone else. Some days, you just want to show up to work and enjoy a calm environment for a little while. Unfortunately, many of us come in to a kiss-up who has already shined the boss’s shoes, arranged the boss’s trophies, and found a way to cure the company’s financial crisis by 9:05. Of course, the one suffering the most is the Kiss-Ass him or herself. You see, the Kiss-Ass is profoundly insecure and has to pretend to be everything the boss has ever wanted to feel valued. It’s not enough for them that they were hired in the first place, which shows they were valued higher among others, but they have to continue to beat their worth over everyone’s head for the duration of their employment with the company. I’m all for impressing your boss and peers, but there’s a crucial line between being impressive and being a kiss-ass.
The Candy Dish Crook
I may have lost you on this one, but bear with me. This horrendous type of employee may be limited to offices with a reception area. Let me paint the picture — you make no more than $25,000 a year before taxes working at the front desk of a fancy office. You take pride in your position at the forefront of the office, greeting guests and customers with a smile. You love your reception desk so much that you decorate it, keep it organized and clean, and set out a little candy dish for your valued customers. Here comes trouble, or rather Mr./Mrs. Candy Crook, each hour to snatch a piece of candy from your candy dish and make useless small talk as not to feel guilty for robbing your minuscule pockets. Have you ever noticed that the crook is usually a “big-wig” who makes six figures and surely has more than enough money to buy his or her own damn bag of cheap candy?
The PTO Pirate
Just say you don’t want to come in today, for crying out loud! Stop sending emails to the others in your office with details of an elaborate new adventure that has prevented you from coming in on a given day. Your car is only going to break down so many times in one week– especially a newer model. If you have daily breakdowns in a brand new Jeep Compass, you need to talk to a manufacturer tonight. The excuses, however, are incredibly entertaining. One day it’s “my back window shattered,” the next day it’s “I had to stop off at the auto store on my way in to buy wipers.” It wasn’t even raining that day! If there were an award for most intricate excuses, you’d win every time, but since there isn’t, just say you have better things to do. We get it.
The Coffee Addict
I’m somewhat sure this only bothers me, but I get irritated watching that already obnoxious employee hitting the Keurig six times a day. You didn’t need one, let alone six cups of coffee, dear. If it takes that much energy to sit behind your computer, please rethink your profession. Hyper does not quite describe the level at which six cups of coffee takes someone who is already annoying. To boot, they are no more productive after the sixth cup, but they have had the energy for mindless chatter throughout the entire 8-hour day. That brings me to my next point.
The Loud Talker
I didn’t ask. I don’t care. If you are having a conversation three offices down the hall, I simply should not hear it. Also, what is with people answering their work phones on speaker? If they wanted me to listen-in, they probably would have dialed me up, too. I’m not asking you to whisper, but I am asking you not to echo. There’s honestly not much more to this one.
Mr./Mrs. “Know Em All”
Mr./Mrs. “Know Em All” — that one employee who makes three rounds each day to every single office in the building. I don’t mean to be rude, but I guarantee you nothing has changed or been so captivating at work that I require check-ups at breakfast, lunch, and that couple minutes before I pack up for the day and run out of the door. I appreciate someone who likes to chat with their coworkers and build a friendly relationship with everyone. It is lovely to show up to work and feel surrounded by good people who are a support system; however, in some cases, this gets taken a bit too far, and at that point, you are simply a chatty Cathy and a total disturbance.
The “I Just Rolled out of Bed”
It amazes me the level of care that does NOT go into dressing for work these days. One of the things I looked forward to the most when switching professions, was coming to work dressed in my nice attire with a variety of hairstyles and hair accessories to tie together my lovely appearance each day. I was so excited to shed my uniform and feel comfortable in my normal clothes. So imagine my surprise when I arrived to work and found my higher-ups wearing Juicy Couture sweatsuits and flip-flops, with hair that looked like it was used to mop a public restroom moments earlier. Hair should not look like that. When you were younger, did you ever have any Barbie pool parties? Did you throw Barbie in the dryer after because you didn’t realize her hair was plastic? Did you see the hair when the Barbie came out of the dryer? Just curious…
The Shopper
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve paused work long enough to order some essential items from Amazon. Quick check out; no problem. It’s a little different when you walk into your coworker’s office and see an entire Target catalog pulled up with treadmills on it. I get a good kick out of walking into my coworkers’ offices, invited, only to see them minimize a Facebook or RetailMeNot screen. I guess when the inspiration hits, you have to get while the getting is good! In all actuality, haul shopping could definitely wait until you arrive back at home after your eight-hour day. You still have 16 other hours to shop. You probably also had a lunch break.
The Paper Hoarder
Believe it or not, you are violating the entire office space by allowing thick, tower-high stacks of paper to accumulate on your desk. Why are they there? It looks like the back of the Shred Legal truck burst open and sprayed paper everywhere. I like file cabinets for this. Bookshelves work alright, too. There’s absolutely no way that amount of paperwork is being kept organized. How are you finding the files you need? Hell, how are you getting any work done, considering there’s a paper pool party taking place on your desk? They say paper and file hoarding like this is terrible for concentration and productivity. I can only imagine. Sort through those and toss them in a box or a cabinet somewhere. Or just pull your door closed when you run to the bathroom.
The Poor Communicator
Email, office phone, cell phone, company cell phone, iPad, pager, fax, paper reminders — still no response. The poor communicator typically never uses their calendar either, so how exactly am I supposed to know where you are when I have a question? Why is it always the most visited individual who decides to go off the grid at work? At least write me a script and tell me what to say when all of the appointments that weren’t on your calendar come looking for you. All I can do is smile and look stupid. “He stepped out for a moment, but he should (but probably won’t) be with you shortly.” Also, don’t schedule the appointments if you actively avoid being present for them.
Did I miss one? Nope! Here are some honorable mentions:
. The “Overcompensator” (how about just doing it right from the start)
. The Tardie Turdy (you weren’t trying to leave on time, and no, there was no accident)
. The All-Day “Morning Person” (there are no words)
. The Never-Ending Smile (don’t your jaws get sore?)
. Legends of the Hidden Snack Cabinet (it’s only eight hours, you can’t possibly be that damn hungry!)
. The Dirty Slob (I’m literally watching you! If you miss the can, pick it back up and try again.)
. Captain Bare Minimum (In at 8:31, out by 4:59)
. The Roamer (a.k.a Mr./Mrs. 5K) (Find time of your own to get your workout in)
. The Fact Checker (Just laugh! We don’t care if it’s not possible)
. The Hyena Laugh (Oh boy…I guess it is what it is)
If I still didn’t list one of your most hated types of employees, I’m not at all surprised. They are on the rise. I absolutely love the diversity in my workplace, and although they may irritate me, I love each and every one of my colleague’s strange interests and quirks. This piece is meant to be humorous, insightful, and relatable. Without all of these interesting types of employees, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to exploit their behavior for this blog! No matter what you do at work, or who you surely piss off while doing it, thank you for showing up each day with the same motivations I have: getting some stuff done and making some money. Which of these types of employees do you hate?
Header photo courtesy of etcconsult.com
